Getting Caught Up

If you're a nervous bride, like me, the title of this post probably made you think about catching up with things you are behind on, but what I really mean is watching out about getting caught up in it all.

Yesterday, I had a little melt down about wedding things.  I was frustrated about crunching numbers, buying gifts, looking at shoes and just generally being overwhelmed with things that are supposed to happen, won't happen, I want to happen, I don't want to happen...that I wrote a note to two of my bridesmaids, saying, "Help me!"

The help I got was exactly what I needed.  You see, two of my best friends, who don't live in Tennessee, are bridesmaids in my wedding.  I have known them since elementary school and we've been friends for a very long time.  With ups, downs, happiness and tragedy to befall us, we have remained close and unfailingly been there for one another.  So when I emailed them both yesterday because I miss them terribly and because our friendship is one of those where you can go weeks without talking and then pick up right where you left off wondering why you don't talk more often…the reason being that we're all extremely busy.  Amanda is in law school and Sarah is in Blacksburg with her husband as he finishes school.  We are so close in heart and mind, but have been far apart in distance since high school.  It's a heartbreaking story.

At any rate, I emailed both of the girls yesterday just to catch up and vent...and here's what they told me.

My all knowing, wise-beyond-her-years law school friend Amanda responded first.  It meant a lot to me that she would take the time to sit down and type this out as I know she's wanting to pull her hair out at school.  She's so busy and driven, overwhelmed for sure, but knowing that is was in distress, she wrote this out for me.

"It's one day.  It's one very exciting day that a lot of time and energy and fretting goes into, but it's one day.  At the end of that day you'll be married, and that's for the REST of your life.  Longer than your flatware even.  And THAT should be your priority.  The marriage is what you're really planning for, not the wedding.  The wedding will hopefully not even be the happiest day of your marriage, because let's be real, it'd be awful depressing to peak on the first day. I promise you in 10 years no one is going to care what your flower girl baskets looked like.  What they will care about--and more importantly what YOU will care about it--is that you have a successful marriage, not a successful wedding.  Hell, I bet Sarah doesn't care about much 3 years after her wedding, but she does care about her marriage to Michael. Of course, there are things, beyond the marriage itself that you will care about later.  You'll care about having successful relationships with the people you love other than your husband. You'll care about how supported and loved you felt on that day. The wedding is a matter of who you want to bless your marriage.  It's your day and your wedding and I'll be there for you however you want me to be.  I don't want to be self-righteous about what the day means, either.  I just want you to keep perspective.  Don't let the pettiness distract you from the real stuff.  You and Tanner are the real stuff--not the extraneous. Love you all so, so much, and I can't tell you how glad it makes my heart to see you all loved really, really well.  You deserve it."

So, that was really helpful to me to get a little perspective back and realize that the marriage is what is important.  For the same reason I want the ceremony recorded for me to look back on later and not miss the little details, I want to savor the fact that I'm getting married.  While I do care, very much, about what the colors are, how my dress looks, how the bridesmaids dresses look, how the flower girls act, what the tuxedos look like, how the music sounds...it is because I want the day to be perfect for Tanner and me.  I want him to have the wedding he's been looking forward to and I want to be able to look back and say, "It was a great way to start a life with my best friend."  Because she is so, so, so smart (and the 6th smartest person in her law class) I value her and love her and thank her for always keep me grounded, keeping me from getting caught up and helping me keep perspective about what is important about this wedding.

Sarah, my spit-fire friend, responded next.  And her sentiments were basically the same, saying that she would take down anyone who messed up my day, but gave some sage advice as well...

"Amanda's right about, well…everything.  You will look back on your wedding and laugh hysterically about what you stressed out over, and you'll look bad sadly about things you didn't realize at the moment. I never got a picture with just me and my mom and that's just ridiculous. But anyway...point is, it won't matter what the food tasted like or what the flowers looked like. It will be amazing no matter what because of you and Tanner. You are fun people to be around and we all love you."

Again, this advice brought me back to earth to say that while I do really care about all the small details about the wedding, I care more about getting married to my best friend, I care more about what he will look like in the tuxedo we picked out and what he will think about how I look in my dress and how the day will be able to contain our happiness and the love we feel surrounded by.

So, while you are stressing over the details to make your day perfect, realize that rain isn't the worst thing that can happen on your wedding day, and that if you lose sight of the most important thing...that you are about to set out on an amazing life with someone you love with your whole heart...you'll be disappointed looking back that you cared more about the flower arrangements than the way your husband looked when he was looking at you. :)

Perhaps the most important lesson I've learned in wedding planning is that love IS patient, it IS kind, it protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, it DOES NOT envy or boast or keep record of wrongs, it is NOT proud or rude or self-seeking or easily angered.  Remember all these things as you go through your wedding planning. The REASON you are getting married is because LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Maybe get one of these for a ring-bearer or flower girl to carry down the isle to remind you just that...then use it as a Christmas ornament so that each time you put it on your tree, you remember how happy you were the day you got married.  I ordered one for my wedding that says "Love is Patient.  It never fails. 5 March 2011"